When You Feel You’re “Missing Out” on the Bigger Things

Being the age

I dropped out of college after about two and a half years. I say “about” because I sort of just stopped showing up somewhere during my fifth semester. I wasn’t being lazy or giving up- quite the contrary. I was working several jobs to make ends meet, so when I started booking paid acting and modeling work, I didn’t have time to fit in everything. I figured I didn’t need a theatre degree for my career as an actor if I was working as an actor, so I let the need to finish school go.

(Side note- I am not advocating the idea that one should take dropping out of school lightly. However, I also don’t think anyone should finish college and get up their eyeballs in debt if it doesn’t make sense for their lives. Another blog post for another day.)

Since I left school before most people I knew at the time who were pursuing the acting life, I suddenly had this feeling that I was a little bit “ahead.” Not as a person, or an actor, definitely not in experience or financially, but just as far as time was concerned. It was like I had two “free years”, where all acting credits and experience were “bonus”, where I could slack off or not, and it didn’t matter. Continue reading

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A Good Cause & A Sad Fact

https://www.gofundme.com/bretts-treatment-fund

So, I don’t know the above people. I clicked on the link because a good Facebook friend shared it, and I usually find myself caring about causes dear to my friends’ hearts.

Normally I simply donate what I can, click to share on Twitter, and move on with my day.

Today, a line from this page hit me so hard, and I had to write about it for a minute.

This campaign is to help a woman struggling with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, who recently had a situation requiring serious hospitalization and needs help. Of course, she has to fight and beg and plead with her insurance to help cover the cost of this treatment, because health insurance has a long way to go in the treatment of mental illnesses. Which is a whole separate blog post in itself. (Sigh.)

But this is the line that stabbed me in the heart:

“Brett’s very nervous for a lot of reasons–not the least of all because depression can make you believe you don’t deserve help.” Continue reading

“Get Out” – Why I Still Can’t Breathe

Film Title: Get Out

 

Holy SHIT guys.

I just (finally) watched Get Out– Jordan Peele’s incredible, insane, amazing, terrifying, thought-provoking directorial debut. That’s right…debut. Like, “oh, I’ve never done this before, but lemme just give it a shot, and DO IT PERFECTLY.”

Oh, he wrote it, too, because he is a film robot. He’s the Tom Brady of creating content. Comedy? Sure. Horror? Why not.

I had to blog because I have to talk about this! It’s consuming my brain! It’s like it moved into my mind, rented an apartment, and is just sitting there, like, “remember THIS scene?! THAT scene?! How about the BINGO SCENE!?!?”

This blog is probably a safer read if you’ve seen the film already. I don’t know if there will be spoilers yet, but probably. I’m just free writing what the film alien that has taken up residence in my mind tells me to write.

I have to get it out of my head.  Continue reading

On Being (and Not Being) Carol in Mamet’s “Oleanna”

From time to time as an actor you find yourself truly falling in love with a role. There are certain ones that just speak to your soul in a way you can’t undo. You become woven into the fabric of each other, and you come to care for them in a strange way- strange only because, by nature of being a “character”, they are fictional.

These characters don’t truly exist, and they are subject to the opinions of those artists playing and directing them. Of course. We know this….

Still, I can always tell when I’m head over heels for a character I want to play because the same thing happens to me every time: I become desperately protective of them. I’m suddenly worried that no other artist in the world could possibly understand them the way I do, and that, out of my control, they will become terribly misunderstood by the entire world.

More often than not, it is the nature of our business that we do lose those roles. There are vast numbers of actors feeling this way, and just the one role.

Such it has gone for me. In a few weeks time I met, studied, deeply understood, became wildly obsessed with and overly protective of, auditioned for, went to callbacks for, and subsequently lost the role of Carol in a production of David Mamet’s OleannaContinue reading

Thoughts After the Election- A Three Step Process

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Part One- Exhaustion.

I was so ready.
Ready to stop fighting those who want LGBT rights taken away or prevented.
Ready to stop fighting for reproductive rights for myself, for all women, for my daughters.
Ready to stop fighting misogyny, racism, xenophobia.
Ready to just take a breath and feel we have finally turned a corner.
But our nation isn’t ready, so we keep going. We keep fighting for our brothers and sisters who need us to fight with them.
We stand strong, even when we are ready to crumble from the exhaustion of that fight.
At least we know, we fight the GOOD fight. We stand on the right side of history. We are here for a reason.
My social feeds, my city, and my life are full of people ready to keep fighting for right. This is how I have hope in my heart today.
Surround yourself with warriors of hope, love, equality, and acceptance. Lift each other up, so we can keep standing, keep marching. Progress can’t be stopped for long, and love always wins.
Continue reading

Inside the Trump Bubble, or, That Time I Met Donald Trump 

I met Donald Trump in person about 8 years ago. Actually, I worked for him. I was hired in Chicago along with many other girls for the “Donald Trump Real Estate and Wealth Expo.” One of those things where people pay hundreds or thousands of dollars to hear pitches from tons of different people trying to sell them more classes, books, programs, etc, with a few cool headliners to round it out.

I worked 3 days directing people, presenting onstage, crowd pumping, etc.

The last speaking slot of the last day belonged to Trump himself. I remember being exhausted, ready to go home. The auditorium was full of attendees, waiting to hear his “words of wisdom” that would turn them into millionaires. They had all of us who were working line up at the stage door where he would enter. They told us to clap and cheer for him upon arrival like we were huge fans. They planted a couple of girls with a copy of his book, with instructions to beg for an autograph. Some were given lines to say. We were no longer working to make sure the people who spent their hard earned money were having a good time, but instead to be sure the guy making the money felt special. I remember thinking how pathetic that made him seem, but whatever.

So we waited. Hours. We sat down and waited after a while, because someone finally got a call that he was playing golf, and hadn’t even boarded the plane yet. We waited longer. The end time of the event passed. We were being paid a day rate, but told we couldn’t leave. Another hour passed. It was insane.

Finally, we got word his private jet had touched down. We lined up as told, and 30 minutes later, erupted into wild applause when he strutted through the door, arrogant as hell. “Don’t worry, it was worth it. I beat X on the golf course today.” No apologies for the wait. We followed our instructions as he walked between the two lines of people put in place. “Can I have your autograph Mr. Trump?” “Please can we pose for a photo?!?” “I’m your biggest fan!”

I wondered what he would tell the restless, no doubt tired audience about his tardiness. I felt disgusted by his attitude. I remember a distinct creeped out feeling by the whole situation.

He walked onto the stage when he was good and ready, and announced to the whole crowd that he was late because he decided to play a round of golf last minute, then repeated the line that it was worth it since he won. I braced myself for anger from the crowd.

Instead, they laughed. They cheered. They clapped and celebrated him. They listened to him ramble on about how very, very rich they were going to be now that they had attended this seminar.

This is how Trump spends his entire life, in a bubble of people paid and confused into celebrating his shitty treatment of people, his arrogance, his ignorance. He is the King of Planet Trump, and no one is around to tell him he’s wrong. He lives in a manufactured world of crap, and the worse he treats people, the more crowds cheer.

Maybe in North Korea….but I just don’t see that person dealing with the realities of being President of the United States very well.

I guess we will find out in 6 days.

Know what? I’ll bet he didn’t even win that game….

13 Not-So-Obvious Things My Husband Does That Make Our Marriage Amazing

Ok, so I’m going to totally brag for a second. Don’t worry, it’s not about me.

See, I have an awesome husband. I’m one of those women that other women are always pulling aside and saying stuff like, “Steve is SUCH a great guy! You’re so lucky!” and “If only we all had a Steve.”  Dudes are constantly joking, “Tell him to stop! He’s making the rest of us look bad!” Seriously. Nonstop.

What is it about him that inspires such sentiments? Well, it’s pretty simple. Steve is just a really great guy, all around. Great boss, great dad, great husband. Nay- amazing husband. He’s fun, easy to talk to, kind, thoughtful, generous, funny, smart, and a great listener. My sister once described him as “the most instantly welcoming person I’ve ever met.”

It’s all true. I’m a lucky girl. But really, that generic stuff only scratches the surface. I’d like to take a moment to share with you a few of the things Steve does, all the time, that take our marriage from “pretty good” to so great that women are always commenting on our social media with “#relationshipgoals” and “Does Steve have a single brother? Or have we figured out cloning technology yet….?” Continue reading

Love Letter to You, Inspired by Earthquakes and Migraines

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Los Angeles has been on an earthquake alert for a few days, which is supposed to end today. Earthquakes are part of life here, and we haven’t seemed able to predict them too accurately, so it didn’t alarm me much. Especially when I read that the highest likelihood was still something like 1 in 100. Nothing to flee the city over.

My husband and I discussed it a little though, and he was a little worried. He actually asked (possibly half jokingly) if I should move my upcoming trip to Michigan up and come yesterday instead. We sort of laughed, though, of course you wonder….better safe than sorry?

But, if I wanted to truly be out of the earthquake zone, I would have to just move. So, I stay. I love Los Angeles that much. It’s my home. A little shakeup can’t scare me away!

Tonight, out of nowhere, a terrible migraine hit me. It’s 8:30p, and I have to just sleep it off. I know these migraines- the only answer is to close my eyes and sleep as long as possible. To that end- and because I’ve had a little anxiety over a few personal things- I took an entire Xanax to help me sleep uninterrupted and wake up fresh and new tomorrow.

After I took the Xanax, after I became extremely drowsy, Tigre started acting up. Continue reading

The First Post is the Hardest Post

Hello, friends!

I have been stuck on this post for a while, I have to admit.

Something like six months ago, I bought the domain. Maybe three months ago, I designed the pages. It took me another two months to write an “About” page.

Probably 600 times in that period I thought, “I wish my blog was up! I really want to write about X!”

So, no more perfectionism. No more reading eight articles and filling out multiple worksheets to “find my audience.” No more procrastination until it’s “just right!”

I have so much I want to say, and talk about, and discuss with you!

journey-of-a-thousand-miles

Like, you just gotta get going, guys.

Besides, I’m learning to accept that I’m not “perfect”, and I’m never going to be “perfect”, so why should my blog be?

Maybe imperfection really IS perfection.

I’ve started blogs before. One about happiness. One about my journey through eating disorder recovery. But they didn’t inspire me to keep writing, because, frankly, I’m dying to write about so much more! There is much, much more to me than “Happy Girl” or “Girl Recovering from an Eating Disorder.”

I am also “Totally Crazy Girl”, “Girl Who LOVES Her Home of Los Angeles”, “Girl with Depression and Anxiety, Learning to Cope”, “Girl Who Lives in a Different State from Her Amazing Husband”, “Girl Who Loves to Read and Talk About Books”, “Girl Obsessed with Her Cat”…..you get the idea.

I want to reach out to people struggling with the same things I am. I want to share some of the wisdom I’ve learned from decades of being an actor. I want to help people, to give people an inside look at life out here, and at life IN my crazy brain!

And, like Harry Burns taught us- When you know how you want to spend the rest your life, “you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

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This is the part where I start sobbing like a baby.

So, this isn’t a perfect post. It isn’t brilliant or witty or genius or cutting edge. It isn’t going to end racism or save lives.

But, damn it, it’s kicking off a blog I think is going to be pretty darn cool. Plus, now I can stop using Facebook for the essays that pour out of my brain, much to the relief of my Facebook friends, I’m sure.

So, hello, Blog Friends! I’m pumped to meet you all, and exchange ideas! Here we go! Let’s all be crazy together- it’s so much more fun than being crazy alone. ❤