Love Letter to You, Inspired by Earthquakes and Migraines

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Los Angeles has been on an earthquake alert for a few days, which is supposed to end today. Earthquakes are part of life here, and we haven’t seemed able to predict them too accurately, so it didn’t alarm me much. Especially when I read that the highest likelihood was still something like 1 in 100. Nothing to flee the city over.

My husband and I discussed it a little though, and he was a little worried. He actually asked (possibly half jokingly) if I should move my upcoming trip to Michigan up and come yesterday instead. We sort of laughed, though, of course you wonder….better safe than sorry?

But, if I wanted to truly be out of the earthquake zone, I would have to just move. So, I stay. I love Los Angeles that much. It’s my home. A little shakeup can’t scare me away!

Tonight, out of nowhere, a terrible migraine hit me. It’s 8:30p, and I have to just sleep it off. I know these migraines- the only answer is to close my eyes and sleep as long as possible. To that end- and because I’ve had a little anxiety over a few personal things- I took an entire Xanax to help me sleep uninterrupted and wake up fresh and new tomorrow.

After I took the Xanax, after I became extremely drowsy, Tigre started acting up.

Tigre is my very sweet, very cuddly, very large, very psychic cat. Before every earthquake, he acts very strange. Usually I notice this and think, “Tigre, why are you being SO weird? What on earth??” Then, within 24 hours we have an earthquake (always small, to this point), and I remember what his erratic behavior means.

Cats are super intuitive. It’s awesome.

So, tonight, he started going. It usually looks like he’s seeing a ghost, and he becomes a little skittish. Like shadows I can’t see are freaking him out. Like there is a certain sense of urgency, which, as we all know, cats exhibit fairly infrequently.

This begs the question- does knowing there is a threat of a quake cause me to read into his behavior? Or, is a big one coming for us tonight?

Here’s the great thing about having a blog. I can think about this, ponder this, write it down, then continue to write some things I think are super important to say, and these words will live in the web, or cloud, or something like that, forever. I can say anything I want to everyone I want, and there is actually a way that they can all access and read it, from anywhere in the world.

I’m pretty drowsy from the Xanax, but I’d like to tell you all of this before I pass out. I’m counting on spelling errors. There is no helping this. I’m lucky I can lift my fingers to type at the moment.

Things I’d Like to Say Before Anything Happens to Me, World:

  • I love Steve Janisse with all my heart. He’s my soul mate. He’s a perfect husband, and a wonderful man. Anyone who has met him knows this. I’m the luckiest wife in the world. I’m beyond grateful, and can’t imagine this life without him. He actually manages to become a better, stronger, wiser person at a rapid pace, every day growing and stretching out of his comfort zone. How cool is that? He continually surprises me. He’s the most romantic man.
  • My family…my incredible family. Thank you for everything you have done for me, given me, said to me, taught me. Thank you for giving me a sense of humor- especially about myself, a sense of responsibility to the world around me, an understanding that family is first, a heart open to love and be loved, a home I can always return to, any time, a firm foundation, a belief in myself and my dreams. Also, thanks for all the meals you’ve paid for and the gifts you’ve given. If I survive, and become a billionaire, like I plan to, you’re all getting spoiled rotten for eternity.
  • My friends- thank you for adventure, for listening, for showing up when I needed you, for being patient with my ghosting, for loving me as I am, for laughing at my jokes and encouraging me to keep going when things were hard. Thank you for every memory and every heart to heart. Thank you, most of you, for loving wine as much as I do. Thank you for the gossip and the deep talks.
  • My sisters and brother- you deserve a special category. Thank you for being born. Thank you for watching me with your little eyes as you grew up, so I had motivation to work that much harder and stay on a positive path. Thank you for giving me that much more inspiration to follow my dreams. Thank you for loving me even when I’ve been difficult, and not hating me for having to move away. Thank you for lifting me up in hard times. Thank you for giving me space to be a mess, and accepting me anyway. Thank you for understanding me in ways no one else in the world could. You are all amazing humans who deserve everything the world has to offer you, and all the love you can handle.
  • My community of artist friends- thank you for being. Thank you for creating and inspiring me to create. I’m blessed, blessed, blessed to have so many phenomenally talented, passionate people in my life.
  • To Steve’s family- thank you for welcoming me with open arms into your loving, fun, fabulous crew. I’m so grateful I married into a family as awesome and hilarious and generous and fun-loving as mine is. Two amazing families is almost too much for one person. Sometimes I feel guilty. More often, I feel it was all very much meant to be.
  • To every person who every gave me a chance, a job, an audition to help my career. To anyone who taught me how to act, how to be present, how to listen, how to do and be instead of show. To everyone who reminded me how important and powerful and necessary the art of storytelling is. To all of you- thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m nowhere near throwing in the towel, and my persistence is very much owed to the people and circumstances that constantly keep me inspired.
  • To everyone in Huntington, Indiana who encouraged me to follow my dreams, who helped me to believe I was smart and talented and capable, who never told me I was being ridiculous, thank you. Things weren’t always easy for me in that town, but I’ll be damned if I still don’t have the support and friendship of so many of you all these years later, and that is an amazing feeling.

Lastly:

  • To everyone who feels stuck, hopeless, depressed, hateful of themselves or their bodies. To everyone who feels like a loner, an outcast, a freak, a weirdo. To everyone who sees no way out and no way through. If anything were to happen to me, and I couldn’t be here to help you, to encourage you, to reassure you, please know this: You are perfect. You are enough. You are exactly who and what you need to be, if you are honoring your heart, yourself, your truth. You need no permission from the world to be anything and anyone you want. You can have everything you dream. Don’t ever give up. Do you hear me? Never. If all else fails, start with helping another human being. Things will begin to shift into place from there. And practice being present. Don’t live in the past, or the future. Live in this moment, and happiness and joy will follow you.

Right now, even though Tigre thinks we might be crushed in an earthquake any minute, I’m happy, because I’ve been blessed with all of YOU. Thank you for existing. Thank you for all you do and give. Thank you for being a part of my world.

I have a heart overflowing with love. That’s what I hope people remember about me, whenever and wherever my ticket comes up. I’m not perfect, I’m a constant work in progress, but I believe in love with every ounce of my being.

Love always wins.

I’m sure I’ll wake tomorrow, a fresh new day. But sometime, someday, I won’t, and I would never want to leave anything unsaid that needs to be said. Repeated. Written down and really felt.

Now excuse me while I drift into a Xanax dreamland. It’s terribly peaceful there. I pray I wake up migraine free, very much alive, and feeling wonderfully embarrassed about this sappy blog post. Fingers crossed!

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